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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24999388">Mission Report</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Venstar/pseuds/Venstar'>Venstar</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>2020 007 Fest Works [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>James Bond (Craig movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Multi, fest bang, starting off, where the points matter but the commas don't</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 04:13:35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,157</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24999388</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Venstar/pseuds/Venstar</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>a random minion gets the task of guiding 007.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>2020 007 Fest Works [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1809820</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Mission Report</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>from the dialogue prompt by Rose (007) "If it's any consolation, most people find me absolutely incorrigible."</p><p>to note...this will be part of my 007 fest creations series in ao3. I can't guarantee everything will be connected. Expect different stories to follow.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The minion who was on duty when 007 suddenly came on line found himself in the MOST regrettable position. Alone.</p><p> </p><p>“Where the bloody hell is everyone?” The minion muttered to himself as he watched the little blip that was 007 zig-zagging across his screen like a psychotic pac-man avoiding the ghosts. He set his cooling cup of coffee down with a frown and turned his mic on. “I’ve got you 007. Can you hear me?” No response from the agent. No matter, the minute the blip had appeared, the minion had started the retrieval protocols. There were vehicles headed down the street at a speed faster than the local traffic. Not any of theirs. Retrieval was just a few minutes away. A  helicopter to whisk 007 away if he could only get to that roof.  </p><p> </p><p>The minion sighed. 007’s comms were probably damaged or missing during his captivity for the past four days. He wished desperately that Q was in the office. They had just sent the poor fellow home after he had worn himself ragged trying to find his favorite recalcitrant agent. R had pretty much poisoned his tea in order to force him out. The minion winced at the dry heaving that had finally driven Q home.</p><p> </p><p>“If you can hear me, go left.” He waited for 007 to comply or acknowledge that he’d been heard. The minion's fingers skittered across his keyboard, shutting down traffic lights, throwing anything he could at the oncoming vehicles, trying to give 007 enough time to get out.</p><p> </p><p>The agent went right. Well, that was unfortunate. “Not that way!” He clapped his hand over his mouth. Whoops. He glanced around but no one seemed to hear his outburst, only 007 had, which was still a bit not good. Hopefully, his comms were truly down. </p><p> </p><p>The agent kept moving. The blip was still weaving as it moved. That wasn’t a good sign either. Trouble was coming and the minion wasn’t sure if 007 knew it. He was free now but wouldn’t stay like that for long depending on the condition he was in. The pac-man ghosts were closing in. Oh, how he longed for a joystick. If they could just find a way to program them into the agents, this would make saving their skins a whole lot easier. Oh, no, dead-end coming up.</p><p> </p><p>“007, go back. Go the OTHER way.” This time he spoke with a quieter voice and was rewarded with static crackling. His ears perked up and he adjusted the frequency. “Can you hear me? Acknowledge!” Nothing.</p><p> </p><p>The blip continued on to the dead end. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh for Christ’s sake DON’T MAKE ME WATCH YOU DIE WHEN Q’S NOT HERE YOU BLEEDING IDIOT AND YOU PROBABLY ARE BLEEDING OUT! GO BACK IT’S A DEAD END! No, your other left! What are you doing? I said left!” The minion waved his hand as if he could somehow magically make the agent avoid the upcoming danger. He scanned any and all of the CCTV footage available to him. </p><p> </p><p>A crackle came over the coms. “Oh, I’m sorry darling, were you talking to me?”</p><p> </p><p>The minion was extremely grateful he had set his cup down or else, there’d be a huge mess. However, 007 didn’t sound as elegant and smooth as usual. There was a hitch to his breath and a strange huskiness as if he’d been screaming for four days. The minion squared his shoulders. There was nothing for it. What would Q or R do?</p><p> </p><p>“I swear to all that is holy, 007 if you get me fired for trying to do my job I’ll…” His voice trailed off on the threat. What? What could he do? Thankfully 00y played along.</p><p> </p><p>“You’ll what? Kill me? Hold my dessert back until I’m a good boy? Well, I’ve never been a good boy.” </p><p> </p><p>The minion let out the breath he was holding. 007 was turning around, albeit a bit wobbly and zig-zagging quite a bit, but he was moving in the correct direction. That’s better. So he continued with his verbal jousting.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, that’s good to hear. Q really likes his boys to be a bit naughty.” The minion’s face split into a lopsided grin as 007 huffed a ragged laugh at his comment.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m guessing he’s not in at the moment.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, whatever would make you say that. Keep going, 007 there’s a small alley on the right and then a fire escape.”</p><p> </p><p>“Because he’d have boxed your ears for that comment. Is R there?” His breaths were becoming more ragged from the effort.</p><p> </p><p>The minion frowned. “Not at present. She stepped out to report to M. She’s covering for Q at the mo. Seems one of his naughty agents gave him quite the upset stomach.”</p><p> </p><p>“Did she poison him...again?”</p><p> </p><p>The minion laughed and watched the drunk wobbly blip move into the alley. “You know how they are.”</p><p> </p><p>“True. He’ll probably move her funds to an unnamed and unlisted offshore account.”</p><p> </p><p>“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. I’d hate to get on his bad side.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, don’t worry he does love a good practical joke. I’ve put ink in his tea from time to time.”</p><p> </p><p>“That was you?” The minion frowned as he was interrupted by the incoming retrieval team asking about the status of the agent to pick up, condition, etc. What could they expect? “007, status?”</p><p> </p><p>“Not dead.” </p><p> </p><p>“Good to know, but what’s your actual status.” He raked his fingers through his hair, frustrated beyond belief. He caught himself mid hair pull. Wow, so this was what it was like to tangle with 007 on a mission. He was surprised Q still had any hair left on his head. Never. Again.</p><p> </p><p>“I promise not to die on you.”</p><p> </p><p>“That’s a relief, but can’t you give me a real answer damn you.”</p><p> </p><p>“No, I shan’t. It’s not my style. </p><p>A small snicker escaped the minion. “I believe you. Look you, mad son of a bitch, are you armed? Are you bleeding out? Broken ribs? What can I tell the retrieval team?”</p><p> </p><p>“Hurry.”</p><p> </p><p>The sound of gunfire and rotating helicopter blades exploded through the speaker on the desk. The minion ducked out of sheer instinct. “007, report!?</p><p> </p><p>“Still not dead.” 007’s voice sounded tinny, distant, and full of rotor wash.</p><p> </p><p>“Heavy one agent, retrieval team away.” The competent voice on the other end assured the minion that 007 was safe and on his way home. </p><p> </p><p>The minion sank down onto the nearest surface, which was the floor and looked at his hands. They were shaking. </p><p> </p><p>007’s voice came from the speaker again. “Good job. I don’t know your name, but if it's any consolation, most people find me absolutely incorrigible. I’ll let Q know, I approve. Until next time, 007 out.”</p><p> </p><p>The minion clutched his shaking hands to his heart. “NEXT TIME!?” And then he screamed as R poked her head over the desk he was hiding behind. </p><p> </p><p>“What next time?”</p>
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